Looking Back

Posted on Sunday, 26 July 2020 - 7:35pm by Lieutenant Ryan Rose MD
Edited on Monday, 27 July 2020 - 11:27am

Ryan had familiarized himself with the Monarch’s sickbay, and even moved a few things around in the OR to suite his left handedness, just in case surgery were needed. He then found his quarters, and settled in for the discussed relaxing time.

He normally wrote his journal by hand, usually finding it easier to express his emotions via pen and paper than verbally. But he hadn’t brought his journal with him, and it seemed unnecessary to replicate one for just one mission. “Computer, prepare personal log, Doctor Ryan Rose.”

=^= Personal Log recording ready =^=

“I find myself on another away mission. If home is where the heart is, I’m rather homeless, and if home is where you hang your hat, well there’s no hooks on any bulkheads.”

He frowned at himself. He knew better than to let himself get maudlin. He needed to refocus.

“Enough of that.” He spoke again. There would no doubt be some tough times on this mission, he needed to center himself, and find some inner peace. As he let his mind wander, he found himself remembering simpler times. They certainly hadn’t felt simple at the time, but then he had the experience of adulthood behind him now.

“It’s almost been twenty years now.” He smiled, talking to himself more than actually trying to put together a ‘log’ per say, but he didn’t worry about the semantics of it.

“I remember that first day at the new school. I’d forged the permission slip and the transfer paperwork to get in. I knew it was my only chance at a shot to get into a decent university, and then med school. I’d avoided everybody all day. It was easy enough. Nobody seemed interested in getting to know the new kid, which was fine by me.” Ryan shifted on the couch, getting more comfortable, his feet hanging off one armrest, as his head rested on top of a pillow on the opposite armrest.

“Even the table I’d chosen for lunch was empty. I didn’t mind though. I just remember being thrilled that I had a full lunch. I’d eaten the apple, but shoved the sandwich into my bag for later. There was nothing at home, I knew that.” Ryan stopped himself from going down a dark path again. It wasn’t hard. The memory was a good one.

“I looked across the table as this plucky little blonde sat right down. She smiled, but didn’t talk for a moment, seeming to just weigh the whole situation. I could always see the wheels turning in Amanda’s head, even that first meeting.” Ryan chuckled at the memory, then continued on.

“When she did finally talk, I didn’t think she’d ever shut up. I hadn’t realized we had Mr Shantley together, but she did a fair impersonation of his boring monotone, and I found myself smiling. She went on about how she hated her math class, and I was almost tempted to speak. But I was frightened. Scared to break the fragile cocoon she’d somehow built around our table. Everything else just slipped away. It was just her and I and the most ridiculous but entertaining monologue of nothingness I’d ever heard. But of course the warning chime sounded. She sighed, then grabbed some kind of pastry from her bag. She eyed me, almost suspiciously, and I remember feeling a bit nervous. But the feeling quickly passed as she broke whatever it was in half. I now know it was a twinkie, but I honestly had never seen one before. She shoved half at me, and in my shock I just grabbed it. She shoved her own half in her mouth with a little ‘well go ahead’ gesture. So I shoved the thing into my mouth and chewed. My eyes lit up. I remember the absolute bliss of that stupid twinkie. I’m not sure to this day if it was just the sugar, or the fact that it was a gift. At the time I didn’t have time to contemplate it. Amanda grabbed her bag without a word and hurried off to her after lunch classes. I grabbed mine up and did the same.”

Ryan paused again, a smile on his face. “That memory always helps. I mean, of all the things that could have happened, and I know most of them end up with me dead at thirteen, it all started with a simple act of human kindness and a twinkie.”

“Years later, when I’d managed to make some friends, and had just started at the academy, I remember them complaining about their siblings, or making fun of them. At first it upset me. How could anybody treat their biological sibling like that? But I soon discovered it was mainly just a front, a veneer of annoyance that always hid a deep bond. Amanda and I are more like that now, but back then, she was my life line. When she went off to an architectural design university across the country...” Ryan stopped himself again. No need to delve back into the deep end. He held on to the memory he’d spoken of instead. Basked in the safety net of those earliest memories, when for the first time in his short life he had hope. Hope that eventually, some day, things would turn out alright.

“And they certainly have.” He spoke out loud, though it would make for one disjointed log, he hardly cared.

“Computer, end personal log and store to my personal files.”

=^= log stored =^= the computer told him.

Ryan sat up. Maybe he could get a call through to Earth. He had a desire to call up Amanda and thank her. Plus he needed to see his niece before the toddler grew again.