Worry

Posted on Monday, 12 April 2021 - 11:10am by Commander Soral

Personal Log Soral,

I am preparing for a shuttle mission with Lieutenant’s Vali and Mackenzie. I’m…torn. I do not wish to go on this shuttle mission. With the onset of my Pon’farr my days are getting harder and harder to bear.

Alexandra is healing and we shall be able to bond again soon but I fear perhaps not in time to sate my pon’farr. It has been…difficult in meditation to calm the fire in my blood. I am becoming less and less fond of food and rest is something that is difficult to attain.

I have been having dreams as of late, dreams of another life, myself, Alexandra. The kids grown. They are darker dreams of people who are shadows of what we are now. Perhaps my mind working overtime.

I have always had a light to myself and then there is the Romulan side. Even when I didn’t know of my Romulan side I knew something was there that was pushing me towards emotions that would take me back to pre-awakening times and I have always feared that it is a place that Surak cannot reach.

I have stopped my meditation classes and have, for the most part, avoided people. Recently T’Lanna had a telepathic outburst and while I was successful in closing my mind it did affect me more then I have told anyone.

Perhaps in my weakened state it has even done damage, I have refused to go to sickbay regarding it. The Doctor has sent several messages asking me to come in for a check up yet I cannot bring myself to acknowledge his requests.

Now, with all this, I am to be locked in a shuttle with Vali and Mac for days and I don’t know how I will endure. I could not refuse the captain his order and it is my duty to go but I am unsettled about it.

Out of all the galaxy it had to be the Andorians. With my past with them I fear that my rage will not be held back this time and I may be more V’Shar then Starfleet and that is a frightening thought as well.

Other then that my concern has been on N’vek. He is so far from everything he knows. He seems to be adapting well. I have engaged the crew to assist in his education until I can get him to Vulcan into a school. The crew seem to have embraced him. He has developed a love of being in Engineering. I think that Eyelaya has shown him a lot in terms of the ship and she has commented that he is a natural Engineer.

Mac has been taking the combat training and honor training and Alex has taken science. The Captain is providing history and I too am teaching him Romulan and Vulcan history. Spiritually I have also been showing him the Vulcan way and Haru has accepted to show him a different side of things. It has been good for him but he is still withdrawn. I get hints of his true self when he is with Bones. That little dog seems to be able to draw everyone out.

I also feel guilty having N’vek here. Soval and Severine do not know of him yet and they are bound to feel angry that he is here and they are on Vulcan. They have asked several times to join me and Alex on the ship but I have told them it is not possible and yet here is N’vek. I long to talk to Alexandra about all this yet I feel that I do not want to burden her with my thoughts. I worry that she too is overwhelmed. She is still young and I have brough four children to her. She says she is alright with it but…I worry.

It seems to be my phrase as of late, this worry.

Computer pause log.

Soral stood and walked over to the replicator. He ordered a water and then downed it on one gulp. Turning he walked back to the window of the observation lunge and looked out at the stars and then at the travel bag that he had at his feet. Sighing he picked up the bag. “Computer save the log and file as incomplete. Send to personal terminal under code.”

“Complete.”

He sighed. It was time to head to the shuttle hold and board the shuttle and he had a bad feeling about all this that he couldn’t shake. What would wait for them as they neared the colony world that was a hope for the uniting of his people the Vulcan and the Romulans? Would the Andorians be there? What would they find? Could he survive a few days with Vali and Mac at one another’s throats? Could he face his daemons? All good questions and the answers awaited him.