Thinking Out Loud

Posted on Wednesday, 7 April 2021 - 7:09pm by Lieutenant Haru Hernandez

ON:

Haru stared at himself in the mirror. He was back in uniform. He swore that it would be a cold day in hell before he put on his rank and uniform again and it appeared the day had come. It was thanks to Stillwater that he was useful again and hew as damned if he’d let the man down. There was a certain amount of trepidation about going back but he would do his best. This chair was now a part of him. He wondered briefly if the pain he’d been feeling as of late meant that he would be able to use his legs again. He shook his head. There was no logic in getting ones hopes up unless one knew for sure.

He sighed, “Computer, begin personal log.”

He waited for the chirps to sound that told him that the log was cued and set to record.

“Personal log, Haru Kaito Hernandez,

I am back at work…sort of. I start my duties tomorrow the day that we arrive at the star base. The crew will get a much-needed break and I will be learning how to function as a brig and tactical officer. I have my first meeting with the department CO and I’m nervous.

I like the man but will he look at me as a real officer? I guess I have a lot to prove to them, and more to prove to myself. Work aside things have been difficult with Mac. He tries to help but for some reason I snap at him and our talks end up in arguments. I had no problem with him taking care of me when I was sick in the past I guess my condition seems…final to me until I am proven wrong.”

He closed his eyes a moment before he allowed himself to continue. The computer would edit out the silence when the log was complete.

”It feels strange being here with him, I have always wanted us to serve together and now that it will happen…I don’t know. I just… don’t want to burden him. I know that he doesn’t see it that way and that he loves me more then he loves himself but for some reason I have a certain aversion to things and there are comments, thoughts, feelings, that seem to just make me close down. I guess that I should talk to Vali about all this. Before I do that though I’m going to impose on Soral. That man has always been able to ensure that I am on the right path and when I’ve been struggling, he’s been the one to talk me through things.

I feel a bit odd asking him for help when he has his own problems to take care of but he would tell me that it is not logical to wait for better opportunities and timings as the issues can get worse. He’s right. I need to speak to him. I have made an appointment to see him in the morning. I’m anxious about it but not about the appointment itself but for it to begin.

Mac should be home soon; I think I’ll read until he arrives. I know what he’s going to say anyway. He’s going to ask me about the Kamidana. He’s been asking me to put it together for a few days now, since we opened that box. I guess that I have no choice. I have to take a step and maybe doing this with him, making this our home officially by putting the shrine up will make things more real and may even open a door for us where we can talk about all the issues that have been going on between us.”

Haru paused the recording. He studied his face in the mirror and for a moment he saw something other then the shell he’d seen in the last while since his injury. He rubbed his eyes, “Computer resume recording.”

The computer chirped again. ”Well, I think that’s all that I’ll say for now. There is so much that I want to say and cover but right now I’m exhausted and I feel like I need to calm myself a little before Mac comes in. It’s time to start the healing for us both. I can’t keep building walls. As much as I want to be alone and struggle through this, he has always been my light and I think that if I throw any darkness at him, well more then I have been as of late, I will lose him and I can’t bare to lose him.

Computer end personal log and file.”

The computer chirped and then said, “Log saved and filed.”

He sighed and turned his hover chair. He headed to the little living room are where he moved himself from his chair to the sofa and took up his book. It was time to read and get his mind clear.

OFF: