I am not myself...

Posted on Thursday, 30 April 2020 - 10:44am by Commander Soral

{ON:}

Soral paced the confines of the XO's office. It was tiny no more then a closet on Deck one next to his quarters. In fact the home office he'd set up for himself in his quarters was a lot bigger then this one but it was an office and it did have a window.

He stopped pacing and sat down. A curious whine drew his eyes to Bones who was perched on his own doggy bed in the corner. Soral sighed and tossed a treat to the dog which it caught with no trouble.

"Computer, begin personal log Soral, Lieutenant Commander."

The computer chirped several times showing that it was ready to begin recording.

"Personal log, I am not myself, nor have I been since the dreams started. The good news is I have not had one in a few days nor a headache but the resulting slips in logic, have been difficult to contend with. It is as though I am loosing myself.

Last night I...I was at the gym and I found myself unexplainably attracted to the science officer. There is good reason, she is lovely and intelligent yes but... I have never felt an attraction to a member of the crew where I have served nor sought out any physical relationship yet I did that as well last night with an Ensign in communications.

Thankfully it failed. When she arrived she saw my blacksmithing projects and asked about them. When I told her I was a fifth level blacksmith she admitted to being a second level one. We spent the night talking about blacksmithing and I cannot express the relief that I felt at not having been intimate with her. Again not as a comment on her beauty but as a relief that I have once again avoided a liaison with a member of the crew.

Is this the Vulcan equivalent to descent into madness? I do not know. All I know is that I am not myself. I can perform my duties and I have kept track of them and know I am performing at my top level however when faced with the completion of my duties I ... find that it is in those moments that these unwanted moments occur.

I have spoken with Selin and trust her to look into the readings that doctor Rose will send her. In fact I shared more with her in our conversation then with doctor Rose. I somehow believe that she will understand more. Again Doctor Rose is an exemplary physician however having been intimate with Selin and having touched her mind I know that she will do what is necessary to reach the bottom of this mystery."

He tossed another treat to Bones and then picked up his now cold coffee to take a sip.

"I must admit that I am unsettled by the presence of the Borg drone in the nebula as is a lot of the crew however none more then Lieutenant Vali whose mother the drone was. I will speak with her later this week as I know it is the role of the XO to ensure that the senior staff have an outlet to speak with. She is the outlet for the crew in times of trouble it is logical that I assist her when she needs it.

We are proceeding on our mission to find Stillwater. The CO and Vali have made progress. I will be meeting with Victrix tomorrow to update her and for her to update me. I find that our manner of working together is flowing quite well and I am faced with the wondering what it will be like to work with a new CO. I am used to her already and for Vulcan's change is difficult. Victrix is fascinating. She does not realize her own greatness nor the potential she has to be a powerful CO. I should hope that Starfleet recognizes her importance and her abilities."

He paused a moment and closed his eyes rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"I have begun investigating Chief Eyelaya. Not out of suspect but there is something she is not telling us. I have read some of the reports again from her previous CO and from Vulcan when she was there and something does not add up. I feel that I am missing a pattern yet I cannot see it. I have enlisted the aid of Vali as this is her expertise. It is a sense I get from Eyelaya. Something she fears seeing light. If it is a danger to the crew I must inform Victirx however I do not have enough evidence to speak of it now. I wonder if this is what Human's call gut instinct. I have a call scheduled with a contact on Betazed while Vali will speak with someone on Bajor. Internally I almost feel as if there is clock that is counting down to when the information will be known. What is it that Human's say? I feel as if I am working against the clock."

He sighed and stood again beginning to pace the little room.

"I will be seeking to find a balance within myself to try and make right all that is churning within me an all that I am processing at the moment. I will be increasing my time in meditation, I will be turning to the ways of my people in the midst of my duties. I would, in an ideal world, want to go back to Vulcan but I cannot. I know that the moment I step food on the planet I will be required to take T'Aurora as my wife and that is something that displeases me greatly. I will have to settle for the programs that I purchased from P'Tara Monastery on Vulcan Colony Delta. I am tempted to seek help from Rael-Tras. I encountered her on my last posting. She told me to seek her help if I needed it and I had put it out of my mind until recently. Perhaps she is the one to help me."

He shook his head. He had work to do. "Computer end log. Save and file."

The computer chirped and he headed out of his office. There was a restlessness to him now that he had to get rid of by amercing himself in his tasks of the day.

{OFF:}