Lost in the mind of Maximus

Posted on Sunday, 11 April 2021 - 1:22pm by Lieutenant JG Maximus Mackenzie

Here I am again. I’m sitting in Sickbay by his side watching him fade in and out; watching his light dim. I am trapped inside a maelstrom of emotions half of which I don’t seem to understand.

He was fine, this morning he was content, dare I say happy, about going to work. The day started out well. He left, I cleaned, I thought about an evening for us to relax after so many rough evenings and then it came. The telepathic wave put out by a careless woman.

I felt it…it didn’t affect me but I felt it affect him. I rushed to the brig area and there, at the controls, slumped over he was laying still barely breathing. My heart began to pound wildly as I ran to his side, my mind raced with what if’s, how can I’s and a whole slew of questions that I don’t think that I even remember anymore.

Off to sickbay where the doctors said those dreadful words, “We have to put him in a coma, there is swelling in the brain.”

I know he wasn’t the only one affected but he is my whole world and I was helpless to protect him, yet again. As I sit here holding his hand, I feel scared, helpless, torn, angry. I just don’t want to have his light taken from my life.

Can you hear me Kaito? Can you feel me calling to you, my love? Do you care? Are you too angry with me? Are you disappointed in me?

I wonder when he’ll open his eyes. I’ve heard many upset and angry at what happened but nobody wants to say anything. The person that caused all this trouble is still on the ship, still allowed to stay on her duties and her careless actions caused so much pain. Where is the justice?

I know what Soral would say, it was an accident, she was shaken. Does he not realize that I was shaken to the core seeing my life there on the floor? Is he not concerned about his friend? The three of us have been close. Soral a brother to us both, family we needed but does he not care?

My mind is muddled. I want to go and give that woman a piece of my mind but how can I leave him? How can I leave his side not knowing if he’ll wake up again?

So many emotions.

In moments I can feel as if he’s squeezing my hand, I can feel his essence inside my mind but am I so scared and so alone that I imagine it? Is he beyond reach? I don’t know, I cannot say for sure.

The doctors say he’ll be alright but can I really trust them? I alternate between pacing and sitting by his side and standing by his side and calling out mentally and verbally to him but no response.

I have made the decision to do something that I know not many will do. I will go to that meeting and I will tell her what she’s taken from me. She had to know that she hurt so many with her telepathic abilities. Why did she refuse an inhibitor that would have protected the crew from her abilities?

Kaito, can you hear me? Can you come back to me?

Yet again, no response. Is he truly gone this time? In moments I would say no but in other moments I would say yes. I know that the petty disagreements we had mean nothing compared to the love we shared. If he woke up, I would let him, have it any way he wants but you cannot bargain. It’s odd that I find myself so lost. I am a strong man; I am a man who can conquer every obstacle and who has come through so much yet I cannot overcome my emotions now.

I have lost my way or have I changed so much because of his love that I don’t recognize the man that I am today? Change is inevitable. It’s a constant in this universe and we must all change and adapt yet I am finding change to be difficult.

I feel myself growing bolder. “Vali!!!!! What have you done? What have you done to the man I love?”

I feel courage now, I have to speak to her, I have to tell her that it’s not alright to cause so much pain just because you are in pain. She must know what she did to Haru Kaito the love of my life and I want her to feel bad about what she did. I want her punished for what she did. I want the XO and the CO to toss her in the brig but I know it won’t happen. It will have to be enough for me to tell her that she’s broken my trust in her. I will never speak with her again. I will never trust her with my feelings and my mind. I will never forgive her.