Doubts

Posted on Friday, 21 May 2021 - 6:33am by Lieutenant Alex Kingsley & Lieutenant T'Lanna Vali

Mission: Operation: Neu Reich
Location: Lt. Vali's Personal Quarters
Timeline: Day 9

"... was just right and she fell fast asleep," Alex Kingsley said with some hope as tried to coax the infant in her arms to follow the example in the story. It seemed sleep was not on the agenda and indeed even the slightest look produced a giggle or wriggle or otherwise defiant gesture from the tiny ball of energy. She sighed. "I wasn't going to do this, but you leave me no choice. Alright, computer, play Professor Laing's lecture on chaos theory from October 22nd 2028 from the Cambridge archive vaults... audio only."

Jayce stilled in her arms as they locked eyes. "You brought this on yourself, little one," she reminded him as she touched his nose with her fingertip, "if you want to stay awake just because your mum is having a few hours to relax, that's on you. You may as well learn something useful. Don't you smile at me. We are not listening to that purple dinosaur again, or that frog. Nope -"

Behind her the door opened and she glanced over her shoulder, smiling as T'Lanna entered. "That was a quick couple of hours," she chided the woman. "We were just about to listen to one of the most interesting lectures on chaos theory too."

“Is that what you’re teaching my son while I sleep! To be as interested in the Sciences as you are?” T’Lanna grinned as she walked over to the sofa and sat next to Alex. “I appreciate you helping me like this Alex, I never realised how tiring having a baby really is! That and learning all this new information I have to learn for my new duties. I can fall asleep at a moments notice!”

"Guilty as charged," Alex admitted, earning some happy sounding gurgles from Jayce. "Don't worry about it, we've had fun,"

“I’m glad” T’Lanna grinned as she tickled Jayce’s tummy. “You enjoy visits from Auntie Alex don’t you huh?” She looked at Alex. “Have you had something to eat and drink? Would you like anything?”

"Maybe some orange juice? No food, we are planning to have dinner together tonight," she explained as Jayce got his little fingers in her hair and began tugging. "Maybe we can put you in the marines, tough guy," she winced as she untangled her hair from his little fist. "I forget he has some of that Vulcan strength."

“He has more than that” T’Lanna said as she walked over to the replicator to get Alex a drink, and one for herself. “Seems my explosion sped up the development of Jayce’s abilities. Seems he’ll probably develop his Betazoid abilities early and most likely rival, or be stronger than me.” She walked back handing Alex her drink.

"Thanks," Alex offered as she took the drink with her free hand and took a sip before setting it down on the nearby table. "I guess we just need to make sure he doesn't cause too much mischief. If there is such a thing!"

T’Lanna smiled before offering to take her son if Alex wanted her to. “So how are things with you and Soral? I expect he’s finding it quiet now N’vek is no longer onboard ship. I know I’m missing him.”

"Bones misses him too," Alex confided as she placed Jayce in his mother's arm, once more having to extract her hair from his grasp. "He is not happy that there isn't a bed in Soral's office for him to sleep on anymore either. Soral does miss him. It hurt him to send him away. Severine is also furious N'Vek was even here, so he has no idea how to deal with that particular problem. I see her point. But then again I think they are better where they can be in fresh air, have all those childhood adventures that make life fun. And I know my mum will take good care of them."

T’Lanna nodded, “I can see your point there” She looked at Jayce as he played with her fingers. “I couldn’t bear to be parted from Jayce, I was thinking of handing in my resignation before Captain Stillwater made the announcement that I could keep Jayce onboard. Otherwise I’d have been separated from Raith, and I can’t be without him!”

“Jayce is a baby so it is a little different. But if he could, Soral would have them all here,” she pointed out.

“How does that make you feel?” T’Lanna looked at Alex curiously. “You’re mother to four children now, none of them your own. Do you and Soral plan to try for a child of your own?”

“Soral can’t have more children,” Alex said simply, “and four seems more than enough, right? I don’t want to be mother to a football team.”

T’Lanna gave Alex an understanding look. “I’m sorry, there are ways and means of having children even for those who have problems. If I was in your place I’d want a child that’s mine, but that’s me!” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Did you want that when you were twenty-three?” Alex challenged before she realised her tone had been perhaps too harsh. “Sorry.”

T’Lanna waved it off but couldn’t help but feel she’d annoyed Alex now. “No it’s me whose sorry, I’m like a blunt instrument at the moment, it’s hard to cope without my senses.”

“No it’s me. Soral is… going through some things and I am sooo out of my depth. He’s talking about stasis until I’ve healed and then T’Paris shows up going on about how only a Vulcan woman can help him get through this or give him that whole kind of physical connection he needs. Damn her to hell!” Alex cursed before adding, “or the Vulcan equivalent. No offence.”

T’Lanna smiled. “None taken. I know Soral has been struggling of late, he tries to hide it but I see the change in him, and I felt it when we attempted my first control lesson. I wish there was something I could do to help, but as Soral would tell me being in the stages of Pon’farr is too risky, a Vulcan male can’t bond with two women and it would be too easy to make a mistake that couldn’t be taken back. If I could help you be ready for him I would but I’m not stable enough yet.”

“We can’t bond yet anyway,” Alex sighed, sweeping up her hair to show an inhibitor just like T’Lanna’s. “Two weeks and no kind of telepathic contact at all. After that the healer said another few weeks.”

T’Lanna nodded. “So we’re a matching pair with the inhibitors then. Hopefully it’ll all be worth it and you’ll get to bond with Soral again. I’ve still got this to come! I’m only half Vulcan but I still have Pon’farr to contend with.”

"Actually we are a trio, Soral has one too. While she attacked me, the bond breaking at all hurt him," Alex sighed. "More than he will ever admit to me. And of course without it, he doubts everything. We went on a date and he spent most of dinner scowling at anyone looking in my direction. I'm not entirely sure that is just because of his present condition."

“Wait... did you say you were attacked?” T’Lanna looked at Alex in surprise.

"Yeah..." Alex confirmed slowly, realising she had said more than she meant to. "Its a really long story. I kind of assumed Soral had probably told you. I know he values having you to confide in."

T’Lanna shook her head, “He hasn’t told me that much, he values your privacy a great deal. You don’t have to explain it all to me, what happened is between you and Soral.”

Alex flashed her a grateful smile, knowing if she had said something like that to her mother, the Spanish Inquisition would have seemed tame. “I don’t really talk about it. But I’ve been having nightmares. More now that I know time is running out to establish our bond again.”

T’Lanna nodded. “I can imagine it must be a frightening thought. Have you talked with Soral about your nightmares? If you have what does he say?”

“Say? Usually variations of Sara will pay for what she did, he’s here … and I know he’s there. But at the same time… sorry, that makes no sense. Forget I said anything.”

“It makes perfect sense” T’Lanna smiled. “At least sense where Soral is concerned. He cherishes you Alex, you know that.”

“I know,” Alex assured her. “He also thinks I am insane for feeling guilty, feeling responsible, for what happened. And I know he genuinely does not blame me. But…” she shrugged as her voice trailed off.

“But you feel you’re to blame, and you should be treated as such?” T’Lanna looked at Alex curiously.

“Yes,” she nodded before pausing. “No… maybe?”

She sighed, studying her hands for a moment. “Do you ever think of situations and think what if? I do that all the time. Idiotic, I don’t have a time machine, I can’t change anything. But I do it anyway.

The woman who … did this to me? She was family. I’ve known her since I was a baby. She practically lived with us. I trusted her. So when my mum planned the wedding? Of course she was invited. And I honestly think everything would have been fine. If I hadn’t done what I did.”

T’Lanna looked at Alex curiously. “What is it that you did?”

“That is… complicated. What I did was kind of what happened to you, just smaller scale and different.” She wasn’t sure how to explain it. “I could make little things move without touching them. Spoons, hairbrushes… I don’t know why. Or how. It got a little stronger when I bonded with Soral. Maybe it was part of the reason the bond was stronger than he expected. I don’t know.

Anyway, when Severine first showed up on Earth Soral was so hurt and I guess it was more instinct. I wanted to protect him. I wasn’t thinking and then it was like raining glass. Every cupboard in my mums kitchen was just ruined. Anyway…. My mum was worried and she confided in Sara. And the very next day she abducted me and gave me something that just tore through me. They couldn’t save our bond.

Since then I’ve questioned everything,” she admitted. “If I hadn’t lost control. If I had opened my eyes and seen what Sara really was, if I had not stayed out in the garden so Soral could sleep… if I hadn’t had something weird going on in my brain to start with. If we hadn’t planned a wedding on Earth. Ifs.”

“What happened wasn’t your fault Alex, this Sara had obviously been planning what she did to you for some time. She must have known what you were capable of to start with.” T’Lanna paused offering a smile. “Don’t let ifs make you doubt yourself Alex. What happened, happened now you need to move on and stop blaming yourself.”

“It isn’t that simple. Maybe it will be, when the bond is back and Soral is safe. Oh T’Lanna,” Alex breathed, tears stinging her eyes at the memory of how Soral had seemed so lost, so defeated and lost as Dr Hades told him the bond would break. It had been a matter of time. “You should have seen him. He was so devastated. So hurt. He tried to hide it when he realised I was awake. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes.”

T’Lanna offered her friend an impromptu hug before moving back again. “That was then, this is now. You’re getting better, granted it’s a slow recovery but hopefully you’ll be able to bond with Soral again. He wouldn’t want you blaming yourself Alex.”

“You can’t breathe a word of it to him,” Alex said quickly, “he’d be so angry if he knew what I’d said.”

She didn’t want to point out that it wasn’t so simple, so easy. And it was entirely illogical. What she needed was a direct line to her mother but she had burdened her enough as it was.

“Have you talked to your mother about this? About how you feel?” T’Lanna looked at her friend offering an understanding smile. “If not I suggest you do.”

“Talk no,” Alex said quietly. What she did do was have an emotional meltdown once she and her mother were alone and Soral had gone. “She feels guilty for confiding in Sara but there would have been nothing to confide if I hadn’t been so stupid. And now she is looking after four children. And a puppy.”

T’Lanna nodded. “I’m sure your mother wouldn’t be doing that unless she really wanted to. What about you? How do you feel about being mother to four children?”

“Old,” Alex sighed.

T’Lanna smiled and nodded. “Besides old, How do you feel? I know you want children but to have so many that aren't biologically yours must be difficult for you.”

“Not really,” she reasoned. “We hardly see them. It isn’t the way I think of being a parent. I mean, I doubt even Severine would want to go do gymnastic competitions or build forts full of teddy bears. But we are here and they…. Are there.”

“Would you like to see them more?” T’Lanna studied her friend’s facial features and body language, without her senses Alex was a blank slate as far as sensing her was concerned.

“I …. don’t know,” Alex admitted. “I came on the ship to finish research, fast forward a year and so much has changed. Of course I want to see them more but I’m nowhere near the wanting to retire and be a full time mother. I’m a horrible person!”

At her declaration she grabbed a pillow and buried her face in it, unleashing a frustrated cry before setting it aside.

“You are not a horrible person Alex!” T’Lanna placed a gentle hand on Alex’s hand. “You’re a wonderful, caring person whose been thrust into a chain of life changing events, there’s nothing wrong with how you feel. I think perhaps you should have an open and honest talk with Soral about how you feel, clear the air.”

“He has strong feelings about family,” she said quietly. “What if how I feel changes how he feels? I told him once that the age difference didn’t matter to me. But right now…. Me in 15 years probably will want to be living that life he dreams about.”

“It’s no good hiding how you feel, if you do bond again he’ll learn how you feel anyway.” She offered an understanding smile. “How’s about you both come and talk to me, a couples counselling session?”

“Not if. When,” Alex corrected her with fiery determination. “But it’s okay. We will come see you if we need it. I promise.”

T’Lanna nodded. “I’ll hold you to that.” She grinned. “No matter what I’m always here if you need to talk about anything, or simply want to get away from it all for a while. Jayce is always available for calming cuddles!”

“And he is amazing at cuddles,” Alex grinned as she stood, “I should get moving. But thank you for the talk and thank you, Jayce, for the hugs and giggles.”

“Our pleasure and thank you for babysitting.” T’Lanna smiled warmly.

"Anytime," Alex assured her as she disappeared out the door, leaving T'Lanna alone to enjoy some time with her son.


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